Knock Him Off His Pedestal

So there you are, gazing at your phone with the dreamy expression of a woman who's just received a text from what you're convinced is the most extraordinary man who ever walked the earth. He's not just any man—oh no. He's sophisticated, mysterious, emotionally unavailable in the most romantic way possible, and married to someone who "doesn't understand him."

Ladies, we need to talk.

If you think the married man you're seeing is Grade A, premium quality, top-shelf human being—the kind they don't make anymore, a rare vintage specimen of masculinity who's simply trapped in an unfortunate domestic situation—you might be suffering from what I like to call Pedestal Syndrome.

And honey, it's time to knock that man right off his marble platform before you throw out your back from all the looking up you've been doing.

The Pedestal: A Structural Engineering Disaster

Let's start with some basic physics, shall we? Pedestals are designed to display statues—cold, lifeless objects that look impressive from a distance but don't actually do anything useful. They're meant to be admired, not lived with.

Yet here you are, having constructed what amounts to a monument to this man's wonderfulness, complete with spotlights and a little plaque that reads "World's Most Misunderstood Husband."

The Construction Materials Your pedestal is built from the finest materials available to the delusional mind:

• Selective memory (remembering only his best moments)
• Creative interpretation (turning his inability to leave his wife into romantic devotion)
• Fantasy mortar (filling in gaps with what you imagine he's like)
• Projection paste (assuming his motives are as pure as yours)
• Scarcity panic (believing men like this are rare and must be treasured)

It's an impressive structure, really. Too bad it's built on quicksand.

The Warning Signs Your Pedestal is Too High You know you've built your pedestal too high when:

• You find yourself defending his character to friends who've never met him
• You think his inability to make decisions quickly is "thoughtful contemplation"
• You believe his wife is lucky to have him, despite the fact that he's cheating on her
• You consider his three-day response time to texts as evidence that he's "not clingy"
• You think the reason he can't leave his marriage is because he's "too honorable"
• You find his emotional unavailability mysterious and intriguing rather than, you know, unavailable

If you're nodding along to any of these, congratulations—you've successfully turned a regular man with regular problems into a romantic hero worthy of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

The Mythology of the Married Man

Let's examine some of the common myths that keep these pedestals standing tall:

Myth #1: He's More Mature Than Single Men Reality check: A mature man doesn't conduct secret relationships behind his wife's back. A mature man either works on his marriage or ends it honorably. What you're interpreting as maturity is actually just him being old enough to have accumulated more responsibilities to avoid.

Myth #2: He's Sophisticated and Worldly Sure, he seems sophisticated when you only see him for two hours at a time in carefully controlled circumstances. He's showered, cologne'd, and on his best behavior because this is his escape from reality. You're not seeing him when he's arguing about whose turn it is to clean the gutters or when he's sick with food poisoning.

Everyone seems sophisticated when you only get their highlight reel.

Myth #3: He Must Be Amazing if He's Worth Risking Everything For Honey, no. The fact that you're willing to risk everything doesn't make him worth everything. It just means you've convinced yourself he is. People risk everything for lottery tickets too, and we don't call those wise investments.

Myth #4: His Wife Doesn't Appreciate Him How would you know? You've never met her, and your only source of information about their relationship is... him. The man who's cheating on her. That's like asking a shoplifter for an honest review of the store's security system.

Myth #5: He's Torn Between Two Great Loves No, he's torn between his comfortable life and his exciting escape from his comfortable life. You're not Guinevere to his Lancelot—you're his hobby.

The View from Ground Level

Let's do a little thought experiment. Imagine your magnificent pedestal man in these perfectly ordinary scenarios:

At the Grocery Store: He stands in the cereal aisle for fifteen minutes because he can't remember if his family likes Cheerios or Honey Nut Cheerios, and he's afraid to text his wife to ask because then she'll know he wasn't listening when she told him the first time.

Still mysterious and sophisticated?

During a Stomach Bug: He's lying on the bathroom floor, groaning about how he's probably dying, demanding sympathy and soup, and asking if you think it could be something serious like appendicitis when it's clearly just something he ate.

Still the strong, silent type?

Trying to Assemble IKEA Furniture: He's been at it for three hours, there are screws everywhere, he's sworn at an innocent coffee table, and he's pretending he doesn't need the instructions while clearly having no idea what he's doing.

Still the competent man who has his life together?

The point is, he's just a regular human being who happens to be cheating on his wife. You've taken this ordinary man and convinced yourself he's extraordinary because the circumstances of your relationship make everything feel heightened and dramatic.

The Scarcity Illusion

One of the main supports holding up your pedestal is the belief that men like him are rare. You think you've found a unicorn in a world full of donkeys, so you'd better hold on tight.

But here's the thing: available men seem less impressive than unavailable ones because you actually get to see them up close. When you're dating someone normally, you see them on Tuesday morning when they haven't had coffee yet. You see them when they're stressed about work, when they're worried about money, when they're tired and cranky and human.

Unavailable men get to maintain their mystique because you only see them at their best. It's like comparing a movie star on the red carpet to your neighbor taking out the trash. Of course the movie star seems more glamorous—you're seeing them under completely different circumstances.

The Forbidden Fruit Effect Psychologists call it the "forbidden fruit effect"—things seem more desirable when they're hard to get. Your brain interprets the challenge of winning this man as evidence of his high value, when really it's just evidence that he's unavailable.

If the exact same man were single and pursuing you openly, would he still seem like such a catch? Or would you notice that he talks too much about his ex-wife, has strong opinions about the correct way to load a dishwasher, and still uses Internet Explorer?

The Real Quality Control Check

Let's apply some actual quality control standards to your Grade A beef, shall we?

Honesty and Integrity: He's lying to his wife every day. He's lying to his children if he has them. He's probably lying to friends and family about where he goes and what he does. But somehow you've convinced yourself he's honest with you?

Emotional Availability: He can give you passionate attention for a few hours at a time, but he goes home to someone else every night. He shares his body with you but his daily life with her. That's not emotional availability—that's compartmentalization.

Decision-Making Ability: He can't decide whether to stay in his marriage or leave. He's stuck in perpetual indecision, which you've romantically interpreted as being "thoughtful" or "not wanting to hurt anyone." But indecision that affects other people's lives isn't kindness—it's selfishness with a bow on it.

Consistency: His attention comes and goes based on his schedule, his mood, and his wife's travel plans. You've learned to be grateful for crumbs because that's all he can offer.

The Downgrade Process: From Mythical to Manageable

Ready to knock this man off his pedestal? Here's how to downgrade him from mythical status to regular human being:

The Reality Resume Write down what you actually know about him—not what you imagine or assume, but what you've actually observed. Include how he treats service workers, how he handles stress, what he does when things don't go his way, and how he treats his wife (yes, cheating counts as treatment).

You might find the resume is shorter than you thought.

The Tuesday Morning Test Ask yourself: Would I still be impressed by this man if I saw him every Tuesday morning for a month? If I had to deal with his bad moods, his annoying habits, his mundane problems?

If the answer is no, you're not in love with him—you're in love with the fantasy version of him.

The Future Projection Imagine he actually left his wife tomorrow and wanted to be with you full-time. You'd see him when he's tired, stressed, sick, and annoying. You'd have to deal with his ex-wife, his kids, his financial obligations, his guilt, and his tendency to make major life decisions very, very slowly.

Still seem like such a catch?

What You'll See from Ground Level

Once you knock him off that pedestal, you might notice some things you missed from up there:

He's Actually Kind of Selfish: He wants the excitement of a new relationship without giving up the security of his old one. He's getting the best of both worlds while you're getting half a relationship.

He's Not That Decisive: A decisive man would either work on his marriage or end it. He wouldn't string two women along while he figures out what he wants.

He's Pretty Comfortable with Deception: A man who can lie convincingly to someone he's lived with for years has some skills you might not want turned in your direction someday.

What Actually Makes a Man High Quality

Integrity: He does what he says he'll do. His actions match his words. He treats people well even when it doesn't benefit him.

Emotional Maturity: He can handle difficult conversations. He takes responsibility for his mistakes. He doesn't run away from problems.

Availability: He has time for you that doesn't depend on someone else's schedule. He can be reached when you need him.

Consistency: He treats you the same way whether he's in a good mood or a bad mood. You know what to expect from him.

Decision-Making Ability: He can make difficult decisions when necessary. He doesn't leave other people hanging while he figures out what he wants.

Notice what's not on this list? Mystique. Drama. The thrill of the forbidden. Being married to someone else.

The New and Improved You

Congratulations. You've successfully completed Pedestal Demolition 101. You've taken a man down from mythical status and seen him for what he actually is: a regular person making questionable choices.

This doesn't make you cynical—it makes you realistic. And realistic women make much better relationship choices than women who are blinded by pedestals.

You now know the difference between mystery and availability, between intensity and sustainability, between being someone's escape and being someone's reality.

You're ready for a man who doesn't need a pedestal because he's impressive enough standing on the ground with everyone else. A man who chooses you not because you're forbidden fruit, but because you're exactly what he wants in his regular, everyday, non-secret life.

And when you find him, you won't need to build a pedestal for him. You'll just need to build a life with him.

Much more practical, and a lot less strain on your neck.

Remember: If you're struggling with patterns of unavailable relationships download my free guide 9 Traps That Keep You Stuck in the Affair