The Science Behind Wanting What You Can't Have

You stared at the photo on his Instagram story. It was a sunset over crystal blue water, posted three hours ago. He was somewhere in the Caribbean with his wife, living his "other life" while you sat in your apartment, checking your phone every fifteen minutes for a message that wasn't coming.

This was day four of radio silence. Four days of wondering if he was thinking about you while sipping cocktails at the poolside bar. Four days of analyzing your last conversation for clues about when he'd return. Four days of feeling like your chest was being slowly crushed by an invisible weight.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder," your grandmother used to say. But this felt like something beyond fondness. This felt like withdrawal.

The Dopamine Trap

What you were experiencing wasn't just missing him, it was your brain in full-scale chemical revolt. For months, your relationship had operated on an unpredictable schedule. Quick texts between his meetings. Secret lunch hours. Weekend afternoons when he could "run errands." Your brain had learned to expect these intermittent rewards, and now it was desperately seeking its next hit.

Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that drives desire and motivation, doesn't just respond to pleasure, it responds even more powerfully to the anticipation of pleasure. And when that pleasure becomes unpredictable, as it always is in affairs, dopamine production goes into overdrive.

Every time his name had lit up your phone over the past six months, your brain had released a surge of this feel-good chemical. But now, with his phone presumably silenced in a resort room, your dopamine levels were crashing. The absence that was supposed to make your heart grow fonder was actually making your brain scream for its missing drug.

The Scarcity Effect in Action

As you scrolled through social media, seeing couples posting freely about their vacations, their dinners, their ordinary Tuesday nights together, you felt the familiar pang of wanting what you couldn't have. Not just him, but the life he was living without you. The freedom to post photos together. The luxury of unlimited time.

This is the scarcity principle at its most powerful. Economists have long understood that limited availability increases perceived value. A designer handbag becomes more desirable when only a few are made. A restaurant becomes more appealing when reservations are impossible to get. And a man becomes utterly captivating when he's only available in fragments.

Your brain was treating his attention like a limited-edition commodity, making every text message, every stolen moment feel precious beyond measure. The very constraints that made your relationship impossible were the same constraints that made it feel irreplaceable.

The Neurochemical Cocktail of Longing

Day five arrived with no word from paradise. You found yourself checking his location on social media apps, looking for digital breadcrumbs of his activities. Was he thinking about you during the sunset dinner with his wife?

What you didn't realize was that your obsessive thoughts were being fueled by elevated levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), sometimes called the brain's natural amphetamine. PEA creates the euphoric, can't-eat-can't-sleep feeling of new love, but it's actually produced in higher quantities when love is uncertain or forbidden.

The more unavailable he became, the more your brain ramped up PEA production. Your inability to focus on work, your constant phone-checking, your mental replaying of your last conversation, are all signs of a brain high on its own chemistry.

The Adrenaline of Uncertainty

By day six, you were existing in a state of constant low-level anxiety. Will he text when he gets back? Will this week away have changed something between you?

This anxious energy was norepinephrine (your brain's natural adrenaline) flooding your system. In normal relationships, norepinephrine levels stabilize as couples become more secure with each other. But in affairs, the constant uncertainty keeps this chemical chronically elevated. You were literally living in a state of fight-or-flight arousal, which your brain was interpreting as intense attraction and deep emotional connection.

The Oxytocin Illusion

When you were together, every secret you shared, every clandestine moment triggered oxytocin release. This bonding hormone made your connection feel profound and unique. But now, separated by an ocean and his obligation to maintain the facade of a happy marriage, you were experiencing the flip side of oxytocin. The aching withdrawal when the bonding chemical's effects wear off.

You told yourself your connection was deeper than what he had with his wife. After all, you reasoned, you don't share secrets and take risks for someone unless they mean everything to you. But oxytocin is released in any situation involving shared secrets or exclusive experiences. The feeling of special connection wasn't necessarily about your unique compatibility, it was about the neurochemical reward of secrecy itself.

The Withdrawal Effect

A week into his vacation, you realized you felt physically sick. Your appetite was gone. Sleep came in fragments. You snapped at coworkers and found yourself near tears at random moments. This wasn't the usual heartbreak, this was withdrawal.

Your brain had become accustomed to the irregular but intense dopamine hits of your relationship. Without them, you were experiencing symptoms remarkably similar to drug withdrawal: anxiety, depression, physical discomfort, and obsessive thoughts about the source of your addiction.

The Truth About Absence

My grandma used to say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

She didn’t know the science behind it.

When we pine away for someone, it feels like proof of true love.
But often, it’s just proof of true addiction.

Your brain gets hooked on scarcity, unpredictability, and the rush of relief when he finally shows up again. That’s not love...it’s chemistry playing tricks on you.

Real love doesn’t need absence to survive. It grows in presence, consistency, and the freedom to build a life together.

So what can you do about it?

1. Name it for what it is.
   Call it addiction, not love. Once you see it clearly, the spell starts to break.

2. Interrupt the cycle.
   Every time you catch yourself obsessively checking your phone, pause. Breathe. Remind yourself: “This is brain chemistry, not destiny.”

3. Feed yourself something real.
   Start filling your life with consistency and care. Friends who show up, routines that ground you, activities that light you up. These stabilize your nervous system and weaken the grip of the highs and lows.

4. Get support.
   You don’t have to rewire your brain alone. Having someone guide you through the withdrawal and into real freedom can make all the difference.

Because here’s the truth: love isn’t meant to starve you. It’s meant to nourish you. And you deserve that.

✨ Ready to step out of the cycle and reclaim your power? Book a call with me today .