You walk out of your meeting and check your phone. Five missed messages from him.

"Thinking about you." "Hope your presentation went well." "Can't wait to hear your voice."

Your heart races. That familiar rush floods your system, the one that makes you feel chosen, desired, important. He was thinking about you while you were working. He couldn't wait two hours without reaching out.

At first, it feels intoxicating.

The good morning text before you even get out of bed. The midday "How's your day going?" check-in. The late-night calls where he whispers that he misses you.

It feels like devotion. Like proof he can't stop thinking about you. Like love.

But here's the sobering truth: it's not love, it's control.

And when your relationship is with a married man, that control isn't random. It's projection.

"But He Spends All His Free Time Talking to Me"

Let me stop you right there.

You think he's giving you all his free time because he texts throughout the day, calls during lunch breaks, and messages late at night. You've convinced yourself that this constant contact proves how much he loves you. He's choosing you over everything else in his life.

Here's what's really happening: You're getting the scraps of time that don't interfere with his real life.

Those morning texts? Sent while his wife is in the shower or making breakfast. The lunch calls? Squeezed between meetings when no one's watching. The late-night messages? After everyone in his house is asleep.

You're not getting his best. You're getting the leftover moments that don't disrupt his actual priorities which are his wife, his family, and his public life.

If you were truly his priority, you wouldn't be hidden. You wouldn't need to communicate in secret windows of time. You wouldn't be scheduled around his real life, you would BE his real life.

But instead, you mistake quantity for quality. You confuse constant surveillance for constant devotion. You think because he's checking in frequently, he's thinking about you constantly.

The truth? He's checking in because he needs to know where you are, what you're doing, and whether you're going to threaten the compartmentalized life he's built.

Why He Needs to Know Where You Are

Think about it. His entire relationship with you is built on lies, secrecy, and sneaking around. He's hiding from his wife. He's lying to his family. He's covering his tracks at work, with friends, with anyone who might notice.

He knows exactly how much dishonesty is required to sustain this double life… because he's living it. And deep down, he assumes you're capable of the same.

That's why he floods you with constant communication.

Not because he's "all in." Not because he's deeply invested in your life. But because he needs to monitor you. To feel like he has a grip on what you're doing, so he won't be blindsided.

It's surveillance disguised as intimacy.

Projection at Work

Projection is when someone takes their own behavior, fears, or insecurities and assigns them to you.

A man who lies assumes you will lie. A man who cheats assumes you will cheat. A man who sneaks around assumes you will too.

So, he asks where you're going. He wants proof of what you're doing. He gets edgy if you don't respond fast enough. And because you are lonely, starved for attention, swept up in the constant contact; you confuse this for passion.

But it isn't passion. It's paranoia.

Why He Doesn't Trust You

Let's call it like it is:

The very fact that you're willing to play along with the secrecy cements his distrust. In his mind, if you're willing to help him betray his wife, what's to stop you from betraying him?

So, the constant communication isn't about cherishing you. It's about keeping you in check. Making sure you're not pulling the same moves he's pulling behind his wife's back.

The High of Attention vs. The Reality of Control

If you've been lonely, if you've gone without affection or consistent attention for a long time, the flood of messages feels like oxygen.

You went from silence to stimulation, from feeling invisible to being constantly pinged. And your nervous system—the part of you that craves connection—lights up like a Christmas tree.

Of course it feels like love.

But it's not. It's control.

Here's how you know:

• Love is steady. Control is obsessive.
• Love builds trust. Control thrives on suspicion.
• Love gives freedom. Control requires a leash.

The constant communication doesn't calm you. It keeps you anxious. You check your phone like an addict, panic when he goes silent, and rearrange your life around his schedule. That's not love. That's captivity.

What This Means for You

When you mistake control for love, you settle for crumbs dressed up as a feast. You convince yourself that his obsessive contact is evidence of how much he cares.

But the truth is, it's evidence of how little he trusts you. And you can't have a healthy relationship when there is no trust.

Real love doesn't need proof of your every move. Real love doesn't project its own dishonesty onto you. Real love doesn't keep you on a leash because it's afraid you'll run.

Real love is free, honest, and safe.

Your Power Move

The next time you feel lit up by his constant messages, pause and ask yourself:

• Is this making me feel free, or trapped?
• Is this devotion, or surveillance?
• Is this intimacy, or projection?
• Am I getting his best time, or his leftover moments?
• If I truly mattered, would I be hidden?

Because here's the bottom line: love and control cannot coexist.

And if you keep mistaking excessive constant contact for love, you'll stay trapped and unavailable for a healthy kind of love you truly deserve. The kind that feels steady, secure, and liberating.

👉 Ready to stop confusing control for love and start building real trust—with yourself first? Book a confidential call today, here.  Your freedom begins the moment you see clearly.